Compromise in a Relationship My partner always wanted a house with a garden and a few cats . When she was a child , she couldn’t have pets at home , so I know it is very important to her . We are now considering a move. Before, I thought that it would work out between us , maybe I didn’t take even these texts about cats seriously , but now we argue about it all the time. I don’t want to live far from the DilMil.co center , I want to be close to my friends and meet them often . How to find a compromise ? – Marek
What is a compromise in a relationship?
Wondering what the best solution to this situation will be? There is no definite answer. Reaching a compromise will largely depend on what having cats is for Marek’s partner and how important it is for him to live close to the center. Do they only differ in their approach to animals and where they live? Is it really about a completely different vision of life or a different stage in life? At the end of the article, I will tell you how Mark’s story unfolded and what the compromise looked like in his case. But first, there are a few things you need to know about relationship troubleshooting.
Relationship problems – the main causes
When relationship problems arise, understanding the source of the conflict is a prerequisite for finding a compromise that the parties can sustain.
The sources of conflict in a relationship may include:
- differences in temperaments,
- blocking beliefs, anxiety programs / patterns, and thus habits that weaken the relationship,
- differences in emotional and functional needs,
- differences in basic values - necessary conditions.
Necessary conditions – the main source of conflict in a relationship
Necessary conditions are your filter of outlook on the world in a given area. They are always black and white and there is no space for gray and, for example, 20% fulfillment. To feel happy you need 100%.
They are also situations, behaviors in a relationship – never the characteristics of a partner. We usually have 4 to 8 of them. Most often they concern: money, lifestyle, upbringing / having children, religion, health, etc.
They are often the cause of breakups / divorces, and working out a compromise requires the help of a specialist – not so much meeting in the middle, but finding a completely DilMil new solution in a given area.
Emotional / functional needs
Your emotional needs are what you need to feel loved / loved. Your functional needs are what you need to make your life work in a way that suits you, in line with your vision, so you can feel safe. Needs are negotiable and there are many ways to meet them. This is an area where a compromise is much easier to find.
Of course, the lack of a fulfilled need results in a feeling of non-fulfillment, but if the problem is properly addressed, it does not most often become the cause of divorce / breakup.
Examples of reasons: division of household chores, spending free time, cuddling.
What is a compromise?
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary (you can check the original content of the definition at: a compromise is: “a way of reaching agreement in which each person […] gives up something that it was desirable to end an argument or dispute ”. Another dictionary definition of a compromise is a method of conflict resolution, the effect of which is to find a solution acceptable to the conflicting parties.
As a rule, it is not considered to be the optimal solution as it requires each side to give up “a part of themselves”. It requires a fairly mature approach and it happens that in the area of particular necessary conditions of each partner it can be a unique challenge (e.g. a situation where one of the partners wants children and the other is not or is not sure).
Why is it often so difficult to find a long-lasting working compromise and why so many couples fail?
From a purely logical point of view, the compromise solution should be quite simple. A couple who have had a conflict should just go out together sometimes and stay home sometimes. He may (as in Mark’s case) buy one cat and live closer to the center, but not in a cluster of blocks, etc. However, very often it just doesn’t work that way.
Usually, during an argument or even a quiet conversation in search of solutions, each partner tries to convince the other party to their own benefits. Despite the conversation, it is not uncommon that we feel a loss if we give in to our partner’s needs. In addition, attempts to find a compromise easily lead to allegations of injustice and discussions about whom the compromise will actually cost more.
How to solve problems in a relationship?
The starting point for finding an effective compromise is often realizing that you are not struggling with your partner, but are struggling with resistance to respecting two different needs.
This is quite a significant shift in perspective. Note that if in a conflict you accept that you are “against” the other person, you focus on protecting yourself. If you start looking at it as a situation where you have two competing approaches at the moment, it will be easier for you to focus on finding solutions without getting stuck in defense mechanisms (attack, blast, silence, avoidance, etc.).
Focusing on the problem helps you not to be offended / offended and becomes an invitation to develop and look for solutions – not to defend yourself or prove your point. Moving away from being self-centered and focusing on the relationship / finding a solution is the basis for going further, but it does have one risk faced by many couples.
One of the most common questions asked during coaching or therapy sessions is: “Where is the line between healthy compromise and self-sacrifice and self-abandonment?”
Compromise and sacrifice in a relationship
Dedication and compromise have similar components but differ from each other in many contexts. They are associated with giving up something that is important to us and with a sense of loss. To understand the differences, you have to analyze them quite individually each time.
However, the main difference between sacrifice and compromise is that compromises require both partners to work on their relationship, while sacrifice means disproportionate giving from one partner. Compromise is mutual satisfaction, and sacrifice comes at the expense of the other person.
Sacrifices are often driven by fears, while trade-offs are usually moved by more logical analysis (but this is not necessarily the case).
If one person is constantly abandoning their dreams to meet the needs of the other, it is not really a compromise, but rather a sacrifice on the part of one partner.
When the relationship, after a couple of years of resignation from the dream partner at the expense of the other party’s needs, reaches a complete imbalance, it becomes full of frustration and disappointment. As a consequence, such relationships often break up. The sooner we start working on identifying bad relationship dynamics and learning to build effective, long-lasting, workable compromises that respect each other’s needs, the faster the spiral of conflict is stopped.
How can you find an honest compromise in your relationship?
In order to skillfully build a compromise, we must not only respect the partner’s needs, but also be able to express our own. Compromises can be very different depending on the relationship and the issue under consideration.
Learn the 6 essential steps to finding an honest compromise in your relationship / marriage.
Clearly communicate your needs
Use “I” statements to convey to your partner exactly what you need or want in the relationship. You can say: “I want to live in the city so that I can be closer to work and not waste many hours commuting. I also like the excitement and I’m bored in the suburbs. “
You can also say, “I feel ready to start trying for a baby” or “For me, it’s time for the next stage between us – moving in.” It is important to talk about yourself and for yourself without imposing needs and interpretations on the other party. Of course, the search for a compromise is supposed to lead to finding a solution that is acceptable to both sides, but to find it, you have to start by clearly communicating your “I”.
Listen without contradicting yourself and without interruptions
After expressing your desires and explaining why something is important to you, give your partner a chance to respond. We tend to ignore or construct counter arguments when the other person is speaking. Try not to interrupt and accept that every unmet need and every different position are important. Very often, the main reason for conflicts is not the problem itself, but an argument in the area of ”Does your problem even make sense?”
Avoid sarcasm, black humor and judgment, even if that’s a natural way of talking to you. Difficult emotions, aroused by, for example, sarcasm are an express way to flare up the conflict.
Analyze all possible options on your side
Consider all your options, and remember that there are more than two solutions to each problem. You can live in a city, in the suburbs, or close to the city, where there are apartments and enough public transport to get the best of both worlds. Remember to think about the possible decisions as if you were part of the team, not just looking for options for yourself.
Empathy, that is, get into your partner’s shoes
True understanding of the other side can be difficult, especially when judgment obscures one’s own desires. Therefore, it is important to try to feel your solutions and ideas from the position of your partner during the entire process of searching for an effective compromise. It’s good to think with an open heart and head, “Why does he have a different opinion?”, “What kind of sacrifice would he have to make if he agreed with my ideas?”
Find an honest measure
For the compromise to work, it is not always possible to get your way, and your partner will not always succumb to you and your needs. You also need to consider the rightness of each decision. If you have exceptional difficulty in this area, get help from a trusted friend who wishes your relationship well, or get professional help – a coach or therapist.
It is not possible to find a mutually satisfactory solution in every situation, but it is important that the overall give and take counter remains in balance. If it is you who gives up your needs most often, your partner may start to take your submission for granted. With any compromise, if it is to be viable in the long term, make sure that you don’t doubt your decision or choke your relationship over it. If you have a strong sense of loss or harm, it means that the solution needs to be re-examined. It is worth bringing about a situation where each party feels that a given solution also has advantages for them.
Honest conversation is the basis of any relationship
The compromise is as much a part of the relationship as eating breakfast together and falling asleep while watching Netflix. The art of compromise can only be mastered by reciprocated effort. This requires work and regular practice, even for minor problems. Sometimes this job can be exhausting, but it’s a price worth paying for a good, satisfying, long-term relationship.
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Let’s go back to Mark. Marek never wrote such a query. He came to me 7 years after my partner. Under his pressure, gave up having pets and stay. With him in the city center. Two years after this decision, their relationship was full of conflicts, fatigue, disappointments and accusations of wasting a life. After another years of fighting, they decided to part ways. During our work, Marek understood that their decision was not a compromise, but a sacrifice on the part of his partner.
Additionally, their problem was mainly related to the fact. That they saw themselves and their lives in a completely different way (as you can guess, the scope of the necessary conditions). Did he see other solutions while working on himself? Yes! In his case. It was an understanding that life in the suburbs was not so far from. His expectations of style itself, but was “eaten” by the fear of the next stage (having children).
If you want to start building a workable compromise in your relationship with me. Implement the rules of the communication map today. It will show you in detail how to talk even on the most difficult topics. On which you may not have been able to communicate for years.